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Friday, January 29, 2010
I'm Being Myself
3:12 AM Truth to be told. I think i'm a loser, a weakling a piece of trash.. evrything bad in the world; but im glad i'm also the type that doesn't give up. To be thinking why i'm still single, it never once crossed my mind. sometimes i feel im a loner; sometimes attention seeker. jeeez. wad am i? I hate being alone tho, and thats for sure. If possible, i wanna own a giant mansion, and den have the entire house filled with my frens. wouldnt dat be soo nice? hahaa!! we can call it our summer home.. *imstillmissingapartofme* deres smethings i hve in mind.. but i just cant seem to type out.. noone cn understnd dis thots except those involved in it. and i cn foresee those involved wun even b bothered, or least pretend to b bothered. haiz.. i miss you girl.. i feel weird fr not talking to hilton.. ure missed bro. i chose to b alone fr the time being till i see myself needed. Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Mixed Feelings
2:12 AM You didn't need to tell your fren abt me man. serious.. my frens noe becoz dey noe abt me. Yeah, i noe uve apologised bt part of me always bear grudges. Yes countless times i always say im ok.. but do u think i am? i think u noe me well enough tht i wun b ok. I thot it was just btwn us. Nw shld i continue trusting u or not. Babe, it sucks to put hopes on u as a fren really.. yea, mayb u r dis way.. part im beginning to gt this aura of u being plastic. sorry babe, its not oni u dat cn b plastic, my other frens dun call me mystique fr no reason. Its ok if ur fren dun stare at me or give this "isnt this tht guy" kinda look. i swear im nt the hahah!! look at me kinda person. Im the type of person hu confrnts. N im beginnning to have a bad feeling abt ur abscence. im just gonna kp mum abt it.. call me too emotional.. i dun give a fuck. to b honest, i thot u cld b of a listening ear, but i just realised.. apparently i was wrong.. im so sorry i really am.. Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Another Week Long Off
12:26 AM Tuesday - Friday!!! Clearing of the off days before the batch comes in. Am I ready fr it? lol! idk la! k actually im a bit moody but im happy, hard to explain uh. Work, can be a tad tiring at times, but hell yeah. a few more months, and no im not counting.. coz when im not counting time flies faster.. okok. i wanna go lie down n rest. ps: i cant stop looking at that particular picture... how its near picture perfect....... Labels: gt well soon bro, wadever thts bothering u Monday, January 25, 2010
Wondering
12:09 AM At times, i realised that i happen to think too deep about the slightest things. Sometimes causing unnecessary trouble and problems. geez.. seriously, idk what to blog about? oBar? hmm.. was ok uh.. i gt tipsy n i slept.. lol! i lost $10.. lol! i nearly nvr collect my bag, luckily Pockett was holding the stub. and SHEYDEMA!!! i realised when i'm tipsy i tend to be too honest. lol! fcuk! paiseh man! ouh man.. im kinda worried abt a fren, bt im leaving him in his own space fr the time being; hope i can be of help soon. Mas n fa2, im seriously wondering if u guys are ok.. i swear i hate to see couple fight... im still missing Arif, Ayeb n Fizah tho... ok la.. i wana smoke den slp.. ciao Friday, January 22, 2010
Gila Ba Bangs
11:19 AM And so im here again in this cold office. Same whirring of the aircon.. andand... WHERE IN THE WORLD IS HILTON! kimek! can't contact him for the past few days for the fact that; ROKOK KAU NGAN AKU BODOH.. and im like booking out later. tsk~ Sometimes i dun understand this bugger... Aniway, its friday.. tmrw saturday = zoo + dblO + sentosa!!! zomg!!! wooohooo!!! i'll take this opportunity to put all my worries at ease (minus the worry of where this bugger is). noones gonna bring me down mannn... Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sorry And Thank You(s)
3:54 PM It really does helps when i finally told someone about my current situation. Thanks Hilton for hearing me out. Sorry for being an ass for the past 2 days, sorry to Shuuj if at times i'm oso lazy to layan you and send random angsty msgs. To you; let's just say i'm trying to ride your wave. We'll see how it goes.. and i will stop harbouring hopes and wishes; its taking a toll on me To Arif, let's just say you're just a different person now and you want me to regard you as a stranger. So well dude, if that's what you want, what can i do. Anyway ppl, i'm hungry.. i need a dose of changi village nasi goreng ikan bilis!!! hahahaha!!! Chalo! Labels: thnxthnx thnx alot many many Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Guilty
4:53 PM I'm sorry guys. I really am. I know avoiding some people isn't the way. Gosh! I dunnoe wad i was thinking alryte. Feeling soo angsty and angry. Like very. I need to control myself really. I'm sorry to those people who I spew harsh words whether intentionally or accidentally. Labels: i'm sorry bro
Angsty Moments
11:34 AM I'm really sorry to some people.. I really am; its not that i'm avoiding you. I just feel awkward. Its like idk man. When things aren't the same anymore .. It just ain't the same. I feel like idk, i'd rather not be in your line than being there to feel very weird. Idk wad im feeling luhh, maybe its just me over reacting or maybe it is real that i feel like this. I need to focus. I cant even string words together to describe wad im feeling. The worst thing is dat both of u just got to appear in my dreams. 1 being the ex-bestie dat screamed at my face saying its just 5 yrs and wad can be done about it; the other.. seemed to be there for me n me for him. I don't get it. why am i feeling this way.. im feeling soo confused and i know myself better that im very very agitated. its just a matter of time till i explode. Labels: sorry bro yet i miss you but i just can't do it Monday, January 18, 2010
All Oudd
1:30 AM Seconds, Hours, Days, Months.. Years... passed. And never had one day 1 day I thought of putting you aside. I thought when I was then, I could find whatever I was searching in them; alas, I was proven wrong. Cause every time I think of the long run, you came back to my mind. What was I searching, and what do you possess? I'm hiding these feelings, though its killing me softly, I know you kinda know about it, but it can't be helped can it. You're moving on with life, yet I'm still stuck in my own corner. I tried to move on, I tried; but I guess I've decided to just go with the flow. I believe that there's nothing wrong in me still having feelings for you, even if its one-sided. It makes me happy, even if i see you with another guy. Well, as long as you're happy, I will. No worries about the tears I cried, the jealousy moments, for to me, it's a sign that I still care. Never had once I want you to feel guilty, for you had done nothing wrong; you've given me a chance and I blew it. In fact thanks to you, I have these beautiful memories for me to "replay" whenever I think about you. You've been the sweetest and I once again thank you for that. How I used to wait for you passed midnite, just to see you online and chat with you. But I bet you didn't know right? Lol! Very Jantan kpo like what you said.. I remembered the time we used to text each other like alot and I kept those messages, I remember how each message made me go crazy.. I remember the time when I was at my work chalet, I made you worried coz I got drunk and didn't replied your messages, and how you panicked and sent me lots of message, I was soo guilty that i texted lots of "sorry" to you. And i told myself, i had to type these "sorry"s letter by letter. I felt soo bad. I remember the time when we confessed.. It was heart shaking. I remember our random topic also. How we had random twins that go to each others place.. haha! *i'm smiling as i'm typing these down* Ouh, and also the collage of the pics you did for me. Even though if it's simple, i still appreciate it. And your dance, the first i went, how you wanted to use your sweater to make me feel better.. I rejected coz, well.. without your sweater, it's just gonna be your sports bra, and i don't want you to be in that, i mean like inappropriate. Well these are just some of the memories I still keep replaying in my mind. It made me smile; at times cry, but tears of joy. I never felt these much love from a woman. You came as a surprise, I've always thought I'm never good enough for a girl. Maybe thats why I became too self-obsessed. I always thought i'll never be good enough; and thats my mistake. But hey, you've reignited the flames of love. Good for you, yeah, I may appear a tad jealous, but babe.. Whenever you feel happy, inside I'm happy for you. I gotta carry on living, but I just want you to know, if there's ever a day you wanna talk to me; rest assured i'll be there for you. And that's my promise to you. Now it's just my story, to walk this path again.. Maybe just like previously, without any hopes or anything perhaps if I bump into someone maybe perhaps thats the one. But nevertherless, I still want you to know that I do ... you.. I just ca't say the word.. it's too strong a word. But if you know me well enough, you know what I have to say. Last but not least, even though now.. i'm just that Ayul.. that perhaps you wouldn't even wanna remember that i once roamed your heart and soul, i just want you to know.. I miss you, and the littlest things you do still make my heart race. Ain, this post is for you.. you're still the star that shines brighter than the rest, and you're still the queen of my heart. Saturday, January 16, 2010
Small Shopping
4:23 PM Since i can't get shoes this month.. due to lack of finances.. im going to remove the flaws and all.. lol!! ok my face now has lesser acne, thnks to my superior facial wash regime n brands.. i recommend Vichy Pour Homme, however if you're going thin on the wallet (at times i'm one of these people). go for Loreal Men Expert, yes i got their whole range. OKok.. back to the topic; the skin has visibly lesser acne but visibly uneven skin tone. -___-"... damn big boohooo! wads worse, damn dumb ZA concealer can't provide enough coverage, its ok.. i dun really fancy concealers.. but my sephora cake is too dark fr my current skin tone. ohh ddaammnn.. soo ive decided, once im done with this duty of mine.. i'm heading sephora ion. lol! jus for the foundation cake. hahaha!!! i noe ryte. but fcuk it.. i need it urgently. thats about it.. im tired playing cafe' world.. im tired cleaning smoking point.. im tired cleaning damn office, and im tired of smelling lavender frm the air purifier.. i noe! damn bimbotic!!! lol!!! nonetheless; i'm missing you.. i really am.. it takes courage just to strike a conversation with you, even though i know im replied with one word answers or maybe the whole conversation is just boring. Maybe one day i can pluck up enough courage to tell you.. i just hope that one day will come.. breaking down almost every day doesn't help; but thank god i have friends who will help me to my feet whenever i feel at my lowest. Labels: i need to talk Friday, January 15, 2010
Korean Movie
12:17 AM Life isn't always like a reel of film from a Korean movie. How I wished it was, bt thats just fantasy. I would be lying to myself if i were to say i'm not jealous.. But well on the lighter note, i'm jealous coz i care? lol! ok merepek! nite ppl.. and i miss you woman! =)( Labels: bro when are you gonna be back? Thursday, January 14, 2010
Staying Strong
10:22 PM I'm staying strong yet im missing u. BFF going to sme remote island.. haha, hilton, i'll b ok la.. hahah!! gonna miss you bro. Had my cans of tiger beer. stupid pok pok game nw im like -___________-". k i wanna watch horror movie liao. i want to... hehehe ok.. miss u girl... miss u hilton... =)( Labels: i'll c ya soon bro. much misses Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Renungan Mata Bukan Pandangan Biasa
11:30 PM I need to stop these thoughts frm running thru my mind.. I mus stop these images frm playing on repeat.. i'm not angry at anyone, just maybe myself...... i'm just.. that guy.. as always.. And i'm my own's best friend. Times like this you'll only have yrself, coz oni u undrstnd ur own thots n feelings. Even the bff in camp cant seem to set my mind str8. And moreover you're bz and well... sorry Faris, things like this sometimes.. it gets complicated if i tell you. Labels: but you're forever busy. soo much for being there for me. words.. easy to say hard to be put to work uh?, sometimes i need you to be around
Patience My Friend
10:57 AM Lalala... lalala.. *skips around* fear behind every tear.. *hums a melody* decode me baby.. *skips skips skips* now where were we the other day? *strolling by the beach* i guess soo too *yess baby..* wasn't it all just illusions? *poof!* Labels: can't depend on you at times like this Sunday, January 10, 2010
=)(
5:40 PM Congrats Freakcase and Fir for winning the comp. Apparently the familia took home the whole comp!!! lol!!! madness... DblO was crazy.. omg!!! i cannot say much!! All i cld say was my Saturday was a blast. p.s: i'm cool Labels: patience. Saturday, January 09, 2010
I Miss Them
2:34 AM I showed mommy my sec school band video; the next thing she asks was.. "Where is Arif and Radzi, hadn't heard from them, how are they?" all i can do is walk away.. i don't have the answers for my mom's question. Arif, i don't know what separates and severed our friendship badly, but deep down u're still my treasured bro alright. Radzi, where are you? where in the world? i totally lost contact... why and how? p.s: i miss them alot; like hell lot.. only God knows.. in simple terms; they'll replace any gf i have now, bonds shared with these two.. only we know..
Happier Andri
1:09 AM My past is my past, its just like a lesson for the future. No worries, i'm still as open-minded as ever. Wanna talk about it also can, just that don't think about bitching about it.. no point.. i'm making the effort to change soo the least i need is encouragement and not jeers.. BMTC Gala later.. -__-" Then H2O Dance Comp Finals... Then.. DblO.. WATTAQUAN!!!! p.s: I've been a happier person since I pour out my thoughts. p.s.s: I suddenly miss secondary school days, Band days to be exact; I miss my instrument and i miss Derrick and Arif. These 2 buggers, meet up soon.. Arif you're the only one hard to contact. Friday, January 08, 2010
Relieved; Moving Straight Forward
12:50 AM Relieved that one of my worries if finally gone; well.. i guess i just need to tell the person after all. Heh.. the crush with the friend is finally cleared. I guess it'll take a few weeks to get it clean cleared but well at least for now, we're friends like how we're supposed to be. YEAY! BIG SMILES! Now i'm just left with you; yeah! its ok, sometimes, idk why i'll go all out for a woman like you. LOVE? is that the word? huh? You know, i always don't want to think of you coz you know why? Coz thinking of you hurts me.. yesh! you read it right, thinking of you hurts me a hell lot. Sometimes i also wondr why am i being honest to you? why am i being dead damn honest to a person who doesn't appreciate sincerity, ok lemme take tht back, I DON'T NEED YOU TO APPRECIATE, coz you wouldn't even notice in the first place.. Lastly, i'm not a sore loser looking for love or wadsoever, i'm just a typical next-door-boy who want take on wonderful rides and enjoy those moments.. I just want to experience how is it like, to be with someone you care for, someone you're willing to sacrifice for.. i just wanna experience hw it feels to be in a relationship, call me a loser but well.. 2010.. 4 yrs was soo ancient. This memories had becme soo faint that sometimes it just leaves me wondering.. theres a malay saying.. "asyik balik-balik perempuan ni jugak" I'm really wondering on this line, what kinda impact have you left on my shattered heart? i need those answers, or perhaps i need sme help with it.. i don't care already, hiding my feelings will only hurt me.. i just want you to know, to really know, that i know i had been a fucker, a sucker at relationship.. yes, i went berserk. made stupid decisions, astrayed frm the real path.. but soo just to tell you, when you left i was hurt.. did you know.. and as i think again, i made mistakes and was never given chance to explain or perhaps to prove you wrong.. i was left alone man.. alone.. I donno wad else am i to do to prove you wrong.. i donno... for a record, babe, i'm not the typical guy hu can or easily find new girls.. im not tht kinda guy.. i remind you again, i am not... i shall stop here now.. these faint memories.. well at times i shouldnt take the effort to remember. let memories be memories.. Qal, Mas, Fa2 and Mell.. theres reasons why i don't wanna think about her.. the reason is everytime i think of it.. it just hurt soo much.. it does.. i wanna be happy, i wanna be normal... please don't dig up any topic about her again.. please, i wanna keep it as memories only; im putting effort only at one end of the line... i dun see an opening, i dun see a light, with this my hopes are dying.. i noe should not give up.. but let's just put that to fate.. i'd rather not rush in to a relationship with others or even you, coz things if handles 1 sided won last long.. n id rather not have a STR.. IMY.. *you shine brighter then the other stars* Labels: and i'm glad with the decisions., and now; i've found a new close friend Wednesday, January 06, 2010
As I Wonder
4:34 PM I had been in a state of upmost confusion lately. Things around me had been going soo complicated. Im trying to sort things out; hopefully these things don't affect my daily lifestyle and routine. Work had been great, was awarded the coveted Platoon Sergeant insignia, but yet again comes with greater responsibilities. I don't mind taking up the job but it's not what I wanted to be. I just want to be normal; to be me. Sitting in my office, only hearing the sound of the aircon whirring, it gives me a calm feeling, well for at east to type up an entry; occasionally moving to the smoking point for a smoke or two. 2010 marks the year for a change, but i guess it's not gonna be easy as i thought it would be. Sheer determination and strength is needed. I need to get my priorities right. Its awkward enough to have a crush on a friend, but to think about another party(ies), that drive me nuts. I need to settle these things fast, but being me with my multiple split personalities, i just cant seem to decide. On one end is gonna be a nice pleasant ride, but this ride wouldn't go for long, that what I'd predicted, the other end, its gonna be a ride even before the ride, but it'll will go for years and more to come. How am I to decide? Both aren't providing clear cut answers and reasons, thats worst. I'm not the type who's gonna bug them, after all, I'm part of this picture, It's my own life I'm talking about. Friends had been great; most taking part in dance competitions and performances, even bringing them to finals. All the best to FreakCase, Ryna & Fir. We danced together before, i watched your vids and i know you guys have standard. Maybe you guys will raise the bar higher, and im sure of that. Going out to Changi V to get dinner/supper later; hopefully, i don't know.. My phone hadn't been ringing, hopefully I get a message or two from any of you. It's not about the message; it's not about me being selfish. It's just the thrill of recieving this simple gestures that will make my boring day a beautiful one. Ok, i'm off to play around with Facebook. See ya'll later. Chao Labels: the real question is yourself; it's never been about the questions you asked me. Tuesday, January 05, 2010
How?
12:51 PM How? How HOw? How HOOW HooWW Hohw hoW?? too many questions.. tooo many.. aiyoh!!! pening! haha!!! Labels: eh you, now i'm sitting on a fence Saturday, January 02, 2010
Hello 2010
2:38 AM Happy New Year to 2010; may 2010 bring lots of happiness.. Here i am on my sis' bed, gonna fall asleep soon. I was reading thru my past entries, and realised that i've made lotsa mistakes in life, i was thinking and i realised i was human therefor i made mistakes. Some mistakes are inevitable some are caused by myself. 2010 comes with the word change for me. I realised that i need to change for the people around me, my loved ones and ultimately myself. I hope people do believe in my change. I'm embracing it. Im putting on hope. And for the first time, im putting others into consideration. End 2009 brings me to meet a new friend. This friend somehow reminds me of the prev BFF. At times I just forgt that he's not Arif. lol! Fuck lah Ayul. lol! And my heart has re-opened, for someone special. And only she should know.. I still hope for you despite the years and changes dat ive made. Foolish changes; and now im back.. for you, for me.. for us. Oklah, i gtg rest now. Tmrw i'm having 9div Family Day at the zoo. yeah, called it family with my Pegasus permstaff. Hope i'll have fun. and babe, i know you're lepaking, have fun ryte.. i noe those boys will b there for you. *they better be*. hahaha! And HILTON! i'll see you soon in camp! lepak3 till morning babe! haha! sial.. Labels: eh i'm sorry |
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